Mind Bottling, Isn't It?

So I've been recently searching for a job and it seems like its fucking impossible to find a place that's actually hiring. These questions on the application are sooo stupid. I mean why the hell do they need to know sooo much? And the interviews are the stupidest fucking thing in the world. We all know what we're actually thinking even the interviewer knows what we're actually thinking because they're thinking the same exact thing. Here's a little what we say VS. what we want to say. Question: Why would you like to work here? What we say: I would love to gain experience ect. ect. What we want to say: Bitch I CLEARLY just want to get money. I don't even wanna work at this shitty place I just want money. Question: What is your availability? What we say: All business days from opening time to closing time of course ;) What we want to say: Uhhhh well i'm actually not available at all if you include all of the time that I need for using the internet...

I've always had a problem with letting people that I've had feelings for go. When I feel such a connection with someone I fail to give up on what I feel. I search for that feeling from other people, but always fail to feel it. Sometimes I end up with rebounds knowing that there's no way in hell it's going to last but yet still find myself getting attached. I know so many faces now that I pretend not to when walking past them on the street. Does that make me strong or afraid? I get so confused. Specially when an ex wants me back. Its like do I give into what they and I want? Or do I move onto better and save myself from getting hurt? I have one ex that I broke up with over 20 times. I mean it's ridiculous how many times we broke up and then got back together. Even when we were just friends we'd argue non-stop. but I loved him. I loved him so fucking much it scared me. Every time we broke up I cried my eyes out until my eyes couldn't even produce any more ...

So today I was at Wally World (Walmart) with my mom and it's been a while since we've you know went to a place together. I realized how much I hate being yelled at 24/7 See I'm a person that enjoys fun fun fun fun . I love going to grocery stores and running down the isle with my friends. Drinking soda and chips while walking down the isle pushing my mamis (friends) in the cart. I like to make fun of everything that I do. No boredom will be tolerated around me. What I hate  is when old people like my mom ( who I love ) try to ruin it. I'm young and a little bit dumb and I just want to enjoy my young life while it's still young. I also strongly dislike when boring adults try to use the excuse "People are looking" "What will they think" "You're embarrassing me" LIKE BITCH! I honestly feel like people who have known me for a long time, even if they dislike me should probably have figured out how much I truly do not give a fuck....

Enough with the poem shit Ive got all my popular thoughts out for now. My next subject is going to be about having children. Now as a young female I am required by society and dumb ass religion to get married and have children and blah blah blah. I am so sick and tired of peoples shocked facial expression when I say "O I dont want kids" If you grew up with an extemely large amount of siblings like I did then you probably understand where im coming from. Or you could be in complete disgust and completely disagree. I think that growing up with a big family could go either way about having kids. Either you want a lot of kids or none at all. Me personally being the oldest of 5 girls is exhausting and a blessing at the same time. I couldnt ever imagine my life without even one of my sisters even if things would be easier. BUT having siblings is the closest thing to having your own children and trust me if I had the choice to not have 6 kids, Id choose it. Besides...

It's really hard to build a new life Trying to become a better person almost seems impossible Everything that you're trying to change about yourself Seems to be what the people who mean the most only see When you do good But when you do bad there's always an "I told you so" without hesitation Like they're waiting for you to just fuck up If you loved me so much why don't you support me? If you loved me so much why can't you accept me? If you loved me so much why can't I feel what you say you have for me? Instead of criticizing and causing pain Once you decide that there's no way to become that person you want to be with all the negativity around You mentally move away from them While others could never picture you as the person you once were That's all the ones that are dearest to you can see Why can't they accept change? I did.

I miss him so much I miss laughing at his nervously misspoken words and his cheesy jokes I miss him telling me that he loves me I miss watching him eat me out I miss grabbing on his hair while arching my back I miss the way he touched me I miss the way he bought goosebumps to my limbs I miss the way he talked; his hood given accent I miss his never unspoken wisdom I miss every emotion that he gave me; good and bad I miss him so much

Cannons going off on one side gun shots popping off on the other side  My thoughts are like the devil and angel standing on my shoulders  The angel's always yelling at me Calling me stupid and making me regret everything that I do That's why I love the devil so How can something resembling peace and love Possibly be what's causing fear, regret, and shame? I want to be good but yet Even though the horns on my head have a halo hovering them I wish I was just wearing horns

They come in different shapes and sizes just like people  They're exactly like people  Addicting. Painful. Problem causing. Problem solving  I can taste them without water or food to help  A quick pop and I'm set to handle all of the wars going on in my head

In all honesty, I've never really known how to you know write. I know it sounds silly but I always have so many thoughts in my head at once that once I start on one topic; it always leads to another. Which can be frustrating, especially when it comes to trying to maintain a diary or a blog like this. My mind has so much depth that i get lost in it all the time.